Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
