Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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