I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
