Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
