he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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