Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
