Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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