you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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