Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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