I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
