I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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