Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
They took my balls.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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