capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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