she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
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