I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He passed out mid-signature
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
