if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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