whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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