Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
