i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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