Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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