My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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