I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
dude i'm inner monologue high
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
