The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
