My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
