Your dad touched me again.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
