just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
