Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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