Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
