Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
