I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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