you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
