He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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