but the lizard people decide everything anyway
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
