If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
