Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
