There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
