I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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