i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
