Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
