I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
