i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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