Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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