Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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