Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
