Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
