You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
