just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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