So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The best revenge is premature balding
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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