But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
