I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
In America we eat man semen.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
